The Integrated Man

January 17, 2009

The Last Letter

Filed under: Anne and The Divorce — Integrated Man @ 1:27 am

10/09/08

 

The Last Letter

 

So you say you don’t want to be married?

 

That’s quite a bomb to drop.  You said the same thing a year ago.  Maybe I should have listened, because after all the work and love and focus (at least on my part) nothing has changed.  We’ve had quite a year.  And then this weekend you had your revelation.

 

You let me know that your feelings have changed and you’re not sure you want to be married anymore.  You do not respect me.  At least not the way a wife should respect her husband.  These are your words.

 

Why do you stay then?  I couldn’t imagine no respecting someone I love. 

 

When pointed out that time with me ought to be your priority over girl friend time, your response was “Why?  What would we do?  We don’t have anything in common anymore.”  I was mad at first when you said that, but I took a deep breath and a step back and learned the lesson that it presented – there is a disconnect here. 

 

We have our whole lives in common.  We’ve built an entire life together.  It’s a little shocking for me to field a question like that after seven years of marriage. 

 

When we met, you thought I was wonderful, the greatest man you had ever met. That has changed you say.  Walls exist you say.  Your feelings have changed you say.  I know that you have been having revelations about the reality of our marriage.  You told me that you know you have been selfish and arrogant.  In your words “So, so, so selfish… and you deserve better.”  – I’m not going to argue with that.  You said you would argue with me even when you knew you were wrong because you were arrogant.  That’s quite an admission. 

 

For my part, in the heat of all these arguments, I always wanted us to come together and reconcile.  That’s all I ever wanted.  I could never understand why you were always on the warpath.  Now we know.  You’re the spitting image of your mother with all of her biting cruelty with which she treated your father.  That actually makes perfect sense.

 

We’ve talked about negligent and abusive upbringing and your lack of feeling.  You tell me that you love me as much as you are able – which you know sometimes isn’t much.  I’m not picking on you; just summing it all up so I’ve got it straight.

 

I suppose you are faced with conflicting priorities.  You make all of these grand admissions, which I appreciate and take validation from, and then in the next breath you don’t want to hate yourself and be the bad guy and think there is something wrong with you.  The fact is you do have an illness and some related issues that have profoundly impacted the marriage.  I’m not pointing an accusing finger and I don’t hate you or anything, but the truth has to be seen for what it is. 

 

“Well then maybe I should just be by myself!” – You say.  You’ve actually said it many times.  More than I can count.

 

 Maybe you should, if that’s what you want.  What you do and the choices that you make are totally consistent with a woman who wants to be single, come and go as she pleases and walk her own path.    

 

You said that all I ever do is love you and I deserve the same.  And you’re not sure that you can give it to me.  You feel bad about how totally selfish you’ve been.   At the same time you really seem to have no desire to change any of that.  On one hand you admit to being selfish, but then you’re hesitant to think badly of yourself and be the one to blame.  Again, your response:

 

“Maybe I should just be alone”. 

 

When someone here’s that enough times, as I have, they start to believe it.  I’m taking that as your stand on things.  That seems to be the only thing you’re sure of.  You repeat it over and over. 

 

“I don’t know if I want to be married.” 

 

It’s time I just shut the hell up, stop arguing, and take you at your word.

 

I gave you everything I had:  all the love in my heart all the support a person can give – every day of our lives.  And you’ve said I ask for so very little but at the same time you feel like I demand so much.  Maybe you really do, in your heart of hearts, want to walk your own path and be single.  From that point of view, a husband who simply wants his wife would seem demanding. 

 

I’m at the end of my rope.  I have nothing left.  It has been very unfair.  I’m all dried up; I don’t seem to feel much anymore.  I’m kind of numb.

 

For my part, it doesn’t seem to me that you’re willing to be an equal in this marriage.  One foot in, one foot out.  What happened to that girl I married dammit? 

 

You were telling me the truth a year ago and I loved you so much that I was blinded to see it.  I was sure we could work anything out.  But I believed that you still totally loved me and wanted to be with me and maybe you were just hurting.  That wasn’t the truth after all.

 

“I’m just not sure I want to be married”.

 

I couldn’t handle that then.  Now I suppose I can.

 

You seem to have some conviction that you are how you are and that will never change.    OK – I’m compelled to believe you.  Besides it would be unfair on my part to expect you to become someone else for me.

 

What I seem to be hearing instead is that you don’t seem to what to make these changes any – That you are “too far gone” (your words not mine) the way you are. And that you would just rather be alone.  That is very hard for me.  It’s only now sunk in. 

 

I love you, and once you loved me in a way that I had never been loved.  You loved me in way that felt like home.  If you are telling me that it’s gone – well it’s gone. 

 

I have not changed.  My feelings for you have not changed.  I love you.  I put you first.  I desire you.  I chase you around the house.  I would do that a lot more if my advances weren’t so obviously unwelcome.    

 

I’ve been reflecting a lot on my life and on our life together.   You’ve been pulling away for some time now, and I gave chase like Wylie E. Coyote chasing the Roadrunner.  But I’m done chasing.

 

I deserve to be happy and fulfilled.  And when you are more excited to be with your single girlfriends than get home to me – so be it.  That speaks volumes about what you really want.

 

I can’t help it; sometimes I wonder what happened to you.  Where did you go?  People change and grow, hell, look at me.  But you don’t stop loving. Real true love never runs out of juice.  Mine never did. 

 

I go back and think of that dream come true woman I met almost ten years ago.  I know it seems silly but I chose to believe in love.  The world has too much “reality” as it is.  We need to stop observing reality and start creating it.

 

When I first met you I wrote you this:

 

Annie M,

            I love and adore you so much that sometimes it’s difficult to believe this is real.  I’ve heard of this happening to other people.  On occasion, I’d seen it happen to friends.  But, you go along, for long enough, and you think, well, my life is what it is.  I didn’t think it would be me.  There is magic out there, you and I are proving it.  Looking at everyone I know, it’s hard to believe that I’m the one who’s going to be the spokesman believing in love and inspiring others to have faith.  If you really want it, and you become a good person and make yourself worthy, it can happen.

 

Good times.  That right there is the core of love and wonder and good in this world.  It’s far more important than the bullshit in life that we let get in the way.  The grievances the fights, not important just bull.  Love is important.  Those are words to live by.  That will make you happy and your life meaningful.  I can tell you that, I can write it to you in words, but I can’t make you believe and I can’t make you live it. 

 

You’re still a beautiful girl and you still have that light in your eyes, but not for me.  Not like it used to be.  Like you said, your feelings have changed.

 

Love is a passion,

An obsession,

Someone you can’t live without.

To fall head over heals,

To forget your head and listen to your heart.

There is no sense living any other way.

To make the journey and not fall completely in love, well then,

You haven’t lived at all……..

 

We had that.  We really did.  I don’t care if you say you got too lost in me, or it was a manic sexual magnetism thing or what.  It was real.  As real as it gets.

 

It’s sad that it’s been allowed to slip away.  I so badly didn’t want to lose you.  I would have done anything.  Somehow, “We’ll always have Paris” is cold comfort.

 

I’ve given you all I’ve got to give.  I’m tapped out.  If you are not sure that you want to be married, if you don’t respect me as you said, then perhaps its time to say goodbye.  I suppose this is the last letter to bookend your collection.  “This is the last song I’ll ever write for you…..”

 

Alright, enough with the melodrama. 

My love always

 

-David

 

 

 

 

 

January 16, 2009

A love letter to Anne..

Filed under: Anne and The Divorce — Integrated Man @ 12:29 am

Sunday December 2, 2007
4:00 am

 

 

Anne Darling,

 

I love you so very much.  I feel like I’m saying that to you for the very first time as if you don’t know it.  I love you very deeply from the pit of my being – so much so that it hurts.

 

It hurts so much that my eyes shot open at three a.m.  The guys new I was up, Golly whined and so I let them out – first to poop and then to come sleep with me.  Golly got right up on my head.  He knew I was hurting and so I think he was just being there for me.  Since sleep was out of the question, I got up, put on some coffee and sat down to put these words to paper.  Maybe one last letter to add to your collection.  So here goes…….

 

First of all, I’ve been struggling a little bit lately.  My hearts been aching since you stood me up for dinner last Wednesday so you could get near falling down drunk with you coworkers.  I suppose you could say a ton of bricks fell on my head, telling me there was something very wrong with my wife and my life.  This Friday, I had what could only be seen as a psychic episode – you know – the watermelon that we talked about.  My style leaves a little bit to be desired in terms of subtlety, but I got the job done, I came and got you and we laid bare was is wrong in our lives.  My heart was breaking and I was very, very upset. 

 

Nothing else mattered but getting to you and making things right.  You didn’t understand that then.  I hope you understand that now.  It was worth it to get to the heart of the matter and talk through things as thoroughly as we did. 

 

Although there has been some relief for me by getting everything out on the table, I’m a little overwhelmed looking at this mess of a table.  You looked me square in the eye and coolly and lucidly told me you weren’t sure if you wanted to stay with me. 

I pray that you never, through the course of your long life, find out how it feels to hear that from your most beloved. 

 

There I was lying in bed looking at the ceiling running everything through my head over and over and in a “Jesus take the wheel” kind of moment; I closed my eyes, calmed myself and asked for help and guidance.  Immediately the universe or my higher self or God (they can all be interchangeable I AM NOT AN ATHEIST) responded. 

 

A very clear image popped into my head of a manila envelope sitting on the wood coffee table in the basement.  It contains all of the e-mail letters that I sent you when we were first dating.  I bolted out of bed with newfound purpose and poured through them.  I decided to channel all this energy into writing you one more letter to add to your collection and lay all of my thoughts and feelings bare on these pages.

 

 

Love is a passion,

An obsession,

Someone you can’t live without.

To fall head over heals,

To forget your head and listen to your heart.

There is no sense living any other way.

To make the journey and not fall completely in love, well then,

You haven’t lived at all……..

 

Familiar?  I stumbled upon this in the old letters and it brought a smile to my face, and brought the truth back into focus.  Suddenly I don’t feel like I’m so crazy anymore.

 

I remember the exact conversation, just days after we met, you were saying “oh there’s this great thing Anthony Hopkins said in ‘Meet Joe Black’” and you were trying to remember the exact quote and I immediately cut in with the exact quote as it is above because I had it taped to my wall.  You were totally silent for about five seconds and then simply said “Marry Me”. 

 

Read it again, it’s just as true today as it was then.  Passion, obsession and an inability to live without you is exactly why I’ve been acting up lately.  It isn’t in the head, it’s in the heart.  That is why when you ask me why I love you I can’t give you a logical list of reasons full of common sense and practicality.  Love doesn’t live in those things.

 

I love you.

 

Just for fun, here are a few more great gems I dug up from that time when we were first in love and nothing else mattered:

 

From Tuesday March 30th 1999, e-mail letter titled “Object of My Affection”

 

Annie M,

            I love and adore you so much that sometimes it’s difficult to believe this is real.  I’ve heard of this happening to other people.  On occasion, I’d seen it happen to friends.  But, you go along, for long enough, and you think, well, my life is what it is.  I didn’t think it would be me.  There is magic out there, you and I are proving it.  Looking at everyone I know, it’s hard to believe that I’m the one who’s going to be the spokesman believing in love and inspiring others to have faith.  If you really want it, and you become a good person and make yourself worthy, it can happen.

 

I like this one because it’s like “The Secret” seven years early.

 

Here’s a great tidbit from a few days later:

 

“I’m the same guy at the core, always.  When you’ve got somebody loving and adoring you, and making you feel like the most special person in the world, something changes.  You feel positive all the time.  You have something real to live for.  I’m trying to find the words.  I’m truly inspired now.  You did this.  I’m already noticing that people want to be around me more.”

 

And this brought a smile to my face:

 

“I’ve gotta get out there to you.  I listen to you talk about your life and the people in it, and they just confirm what I’ve known from the start.  In Vaughn’s word’s, ‘You’re it’.  I’ll show you decisiveness.  There will be no southern gentlemen and no nice young men at my uncle’s tennis club!!”

 

I think this one is indicative of that early period when you were juggling multiple marriage proposals and even more people were trying to fix you up!

 

And this was cute, I forgot about this:

 

Annie,

            Let me get this straight:  You want “our” dog to be named Yoda?  I can’t believe you said that!  I’m sorry if this seems sudden, but will you marry me?

 

Do you realize that my uncle bill always calls Frodo Yoda?  What’s the cosmic significance of that?

 

And finally from April 28th 1999 e-mail “RE:  Romantic starry-eyed dreamer chasing a dream:

 

Baby,

            You’re right, everything will be fine.  I love you; I’m keeping you – period.  I’m going into a wonderful stage.  I mean it’s been wonderful with you all along but now I have this I don’t know what.  It’s a new feeling of inner assurance, certainty and security about you.  Maybe things are just beginning to sink in – the assuredness that I’ve found the woman of my dreams.  What a wonderful thing to have sunk in.  I’m going to go book some tickets; I’ll talk to you tomorrow!

 

                                                                                    I love you!

                                                                                                – David

 

What a revelation it was for me to look back over these.  It puts things in perspective and reminds me of our roots, how our love began and how we came together.  It’s good to remember and reflect.  It helps get me back to myself.

 

             Bless you for keeping them. 

 

And so life went on.  I left Los Angeles and came home to you.  We then made good on this great love of ours, got married and forged a life together.  Not a bad one – hell, some people consider us to be an example. 

 

I know sometimes life just plain gets in the way.  Pressure, fear, necessity can cloud us and drive us and get us off track with our inner spiritual guidance system and with the true purpose of our lives. 

 

What these last couple of days has shown me is that like so many other people we have quite simply gotten off track.  We have gotten off track both as individuals and as a married couple.  But we’re not the kind of people who can stay in that spot or tolerate that kind of pain for long.  And the time has come to get it straight.  For that I am very grateful.

 

You.  Thus far you have thought too little of yourself, minimized yourself and allowed your circumstances with work and home to “entrap” you and make you miserable.  I put the word entrap in quotation marks because you live in a prison of your own making.  These are not unforgivable sins.  You can make new choices.

 

You seem for the first time in a long time to be stepping out of that and trying to enjoy your life.  I’m very glad – please keep it up and be happy again!!  You will return to your true self – that person you miss so much.

 

Me.  Let me start with the disclaimer that I never have anything but the best and highest of intentions.  Somewhere along the way I started to get lost and then I got scared.  I have always wanted us to have a happy joyous life ever since the beginning.  I wanted to provide for you anything that you would want.  I had a few silly beliefs about what it took to have that.

 

Running a business, getting established in that way – all those things were my gatekeepers.  They were hoops I had to jump through to get what I wanted and what I thought I deserved.  I was driven by fear of loss as so many people are and brought more hardship upon myself.   I thought we had to be set financially as if you can achieve that through hard work and forcing things (trust me on this – you can’t). My priorities and my happiness and peace got misplaced.

 

I think it seemed to you like my money and my business was more important to me than you.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  I could not be sorrier for that misunderstanding, or for the time that I wasted not knowing better.  I thought I was doing the right thing.  But these are not unforgivable sins.  I can make new choices.

 

Only recently in my life have I really begun to let go and be.  Be with myself.  Be me.  It’s only from there that a person can really do anything with themselves that is meaningful. 

 

Us.      I think that because you don’t give yourself nearly enough credit you have tended to put me on a pedestal and when I turn out to be flawed and human you are bitterly disappointed.  I am an embarrassment to you.  I am sorrier for that that you can ever know.  I truly believe this won’t always be the case.  Try to have faith in me. 

 

You have spelled out for me that I bully you when we disagree.  I’ve been thinking about this one a lot.  Bullying comes from fear.  Fear of losing you, of losing your confidence and your faith, and fear of losing your good favor.  It’s funny, in holding that fear so close, I’ve manifested exactly what I wanted to avoid.  Its funny this problem we’ve been having as of late has spurred me even more toward finding myself again.  I’m not afraid anymore. 

 

We don’t work together as a team.  Once again you are right.  I think this is a sum total of all of the above.  I need to prove myself – so focus more on making a little more money than I do on landscape design or planning a vacation or painting the living room red.  We go off to our own corners of the house in our own little self made prisons (this is starting to sound like an old Carly Simon song) in a waking dream – or nightmare.  We have, very much by default, fashioned individual mini-lives under the umbrella of our married life.  Far more people have fallen into this same easy trap than either one of us will ever know.  But these are not unforgivable sins.  We can make new choices!!!

 

But recently we’ve had quite an awakening from the long sleep.  You say it’s because you turned 40.  And because Dr. Brazzle put you on some new meds.  Well OK, I’ll take it.  Because of the state our marriage has ended up in to this point you have tried to pull away from me and our life together, I suppose as a somewhat natural reaction, considering your feelings and the circumstances.  

 

I love you so very much. 

 

I am grateful to you and I believe you to be highly intuitive and very powerful.  You should be given great credit.  Even if you decide to go your own way, you have saved us.

 

But I repeat myself:

 

I love you so very much from the pit of soul.  Just like in the beginning.  More.

 

And now. 

I want to make a new life out of the old, awake, unafraid and full of love with my marriage and my wife as my top priority and no silly distractions for either of us.  I think that with a simple decision to do so we can have the life together that we have both always wanted.  People change.  People grow.  If we are unable to do that then we go stagnant and begin the process of dying. 

 

We can do all of the above and more.  We only have to want to.  I will never turn you down for a walk again.

 

I want you to know that not matter what; I love you now and always.  I will never be able to define it for you in words.  I just do.

 

 

David

 

 

 

 

 

 

Love is a passion,

An obsession,

Someone you can’t live without.

To fall head over heals,

To forget your head and listen to your heart.

There is no sense living any other way.

To make the journey and not fall completely in love, well then,

You haven’t lived at all……..

 

 

Amen.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Blog at WordPress.com.